Randi's Reality

I received this post from Randi about a week ago. I will conclude with an update (talked with Randi on the phone yesterday). Thanks - Shauna

2/12/2009

On Tuesday, the whole women's dorm was transferred to another facility so that they can repaint our dorm. We are all settled in now over at Livingston Parish. I was excited about our little "road trip" at first - and there are a lot of good things about this place. ie. We get to go outside every day. All day long - we can come in and out as we please. And the place is really clean because it is a brand new facility.

But for some reason, I am getting depressed here. I don't know if it is because I am really realizing I am in jail or what? For the past 6 months, I have been at WBRP - I have gotten comfortable there. I have never been to another jail before so I guess I didn't really feel like I was in jail.

For the past 2 days, I have been able to sleep the whole day away. But today, I am tossing and turning in my bed. So, I got up - went outside with my coffee and started praying.

Of course, tears filled up my eyes - as they are right now.

I said - "God, get me out of this - why am I having such a hard time here?"

"God keeps an eye on His friends. His hears pick up every moan and groan. God won't put up with rebels; he'll cut them off from the pack. Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you if your heart is broken. You'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath. Disciples so often get into trouble; still. God is there every time. v.22 - God pays for each slaves freedom; no one who runs to Him loses out."

So, God answered my prayer quickly. He told me that He is watching. He is listening. And He is ready to help.

- Randi Spearman
February 12, 2009


Update from Shauna:

I talked with Randi on Saturday and Sunday. She is back at WBRP - and I will go ahead and say she is in a bit of a rut. Shocking, I know. It is easy to get discouraged when you have all of the luxuries of freedom and have a group of believers that are holding you up - I know it has to be 100 times easier for Randi to get discouraged. I committed to Randi to start praying for someone to come in that will help lift her up. She is doing a lot of that with the other inmates, and I think she is at a place where she needs some encouragement.

She is so tired of jail and ready to come home. We talked some yesterday about God plans for us. It is rarely what we want for ourselves. And if He needs her there longer - she will be there longer. We can just pray for patience, and listen for God's direction.

Randi still has not been given a court date. She is just waiting. Gosh, I hate waiting. Don't we all. I can hardly bear to sit in traffic - and she is waiting on a system, that she has no control over, to decide her freedom. My heart breaks for my little sister today. I want her home. But if she can't be home, I want her to feel God's presence and allow the joy of the Lord to be her strength.

John 16: 24 reveals Jesus speaking to his disciples:

"Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."

Thanks for your continued prayers and love.

Shauna

"See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands...March around the city once with all your armed men. Do this for 6 days...On the 7th day, march around the city 7 times...have all the people give a loud shout; then the wall of the city will collapse and the people will go up, every man straight in."
Joshua 6:2-5
We are doing our own Jericho walk in the dorm. Everyone who wanted to participate wrote down their prayer requests and put them in a box.

For 6 days, we will march around the box one time - then we join hands and close with a prayer. On the 7th day, we will march 7 times, give a loud shout, then we are going to destroy the box and God is going to break down whatever "walls" we placed in the box.

He said, "ask and you shall receive."

So, we are asking.

He said, "seek and you shall find."

So, we are seeking.

He said, "knock and the door will be opened."

So, we are knocking.

I know that God is hearing our prayers! And He is preparing a way from them to be answered.

I will let you all know as soon as prayers are being answered.

I am so thankful for the ladies in this dorm! I could not imagine being in a place like this with out being surrounded by other Christians! God definitely knew what he was doing when He put me in this prison!

Randi Spearman
1-19-2009

I am very fortunate because I do not have chronic pain. (Thank You, Lord!) But, as a massage therapist, I do have the opportunity to work with some of the ladies who do suffer on a daily basis.
The medical system at this place is a joke. They usually tell us that we are eating too much salt when someone is in pain. They do not give out pain medication unless you have a court ordered prescription. We can buy Tylenol & Advil on commissary.

But I do work on some of the ladies. My mom sent me a trigger point therapy book. So, depending on what guards are working - I can temporarily relieve some of the pain and stress.

I am glad that I have the medical knowledge of the body because it comes in hand. They say I have healing hands. And, although I will admit that I have good hands & have always been a good therapist - since I have been here I have started a new technique.

I do what I do in the name of Jesus. And I let Him use my hands to do the healing.

Because Jesus said: "And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name, they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people and they will get well." Mark 16:17

Note: Randi has tried to get input from other inmates dealing with chronic pain and has not been able to do so. If you are or know someone who has dealt with this, we would love to hear from you.

God came back! Hallelujah! It just makes me so excited, gives me so much joy when He makes His presence known. The dorm has been on edge...but now there is peace.

God has a way of making everything fall into place for His glory! Tonight we started a new Bible Study/Prayer group. I have been praying that He will help me keep it going - because most of the women that used to do it have gone home.

I read my Bible every day...sometimes all day...but I have had it on my heart to read at the table instead of in my bed. And, sure enough, tonight God brought a new group together!

We read from The Message & He spoke directly to us about all of the chaos that has been going on in the dorm.

I just love the Lord! I love Him so much that I sometimes am at a loss for words! It makes me so excited when I talk to these ladies about what He's doing and my excitement is contagious.

It's so powerful when the Holy Spirit gets me going - cause the ladies really benefit from my joy!


They want to experience it - & I want for them to too - and the only advice I can tell them is to give it all to God! Know that God has brought us together for His purpose - for His plans - for His glory! And when you get your heart set fully on Him - this joy just fills your whole body - your whole spirit!

It's so great! Praise God!

God is Good. God is Here. And He wants us to encourage each other and help each others faith grow - and to know Him better.

He has made His entrance...and He's got a lot of work to do in this dorm. I am so excited to know that He has chosen me to help Him get the work done!

I'm all yours, God.

Randi Spearman, January 2009

Today is Thursday, December 4th. I want to thank everyone who has been reading our blogs. Sorry there haven't been as many letters as before.

But God is still here in this place! Every day! And we are on FIRE! Every day!

We get confirmations from Him through His Word all the time. And prayers are being answered. We started praying in groups. Our little corner prays together every day. And let me tell you way - Lisa is growing! She is learning...and she is a praying fool!

She came to the table for count the other day, grabbed my hand and said, "I need to pray," and she held nothing back! She is bold for the Lord. And she is definitely getting her blessings. She went to court this week and the judge gave her 4 months! So she will be going home in January! Thank you Lord!

Please keep her in the forefront of your prayers so that she leaves here with all of the wisdom and knowledge that she needs so she can take it home to her boys & share her faith with them.

I have a great bunkee and she has grown so much since she's been here! God truly brings people here for a reason! And He is getting all the glory for whats going on behind these bars!



One of my favorite scriptures that I flipped open to this morning:

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen!" Ephesians 3:20

Love,

Randi

I think I have finally figured out the motives behind putting adults in jail.

You see, I used to think that jail was just somewhere they throw a bunch of criminals so that they can learn how to be better criminals. As my ex-boyfriend once said while he was in jail, "If I only knew then, what I know now....we could have done...."

But that is far from the case here. This place brings out the child in me. It brings out all my child-like tendencies.

What made me realize this was when I saw a picture that Bae-Bae was drawing of the Little Mermaid. I sat down beside her and started singing,

"I've got gadgets and gizmos of plenty.
I've got who-sits and whatsits galore..
You want thing-a-ma-bobs -
I've got twenty...
But who cares....
no big deal....
I want more......."

I sang the ENTIRE song with no problems remembering a single word. Then we talked about how we used to play "mermaids" in the pool when we were kids. The memories were so vivid! Oh how I wish I could play mermaids now! I would just swim away...

Anyhow...

Every day we get to go back to our childhood. Most of our time goes by playing arts and crafts. We pull out our markers and colored pencils and make cards, color and make Christmas decorations. Just like a child would do in school.

When we eat - we usually always get to play with our food - tearing our turkey or chicken legs apart. I have to wash my hands, AGAIN, before I even start eating because I make such a mess getting it prepared to eat.

We don't get napkins - we just wipe it on our clothes!

We have kool-aid to drink every meal. And we are too excited when they change the flavor!

Recess is our favorite time of the whole week - we look forward to the hour we get in the sunshine twice a week! We throw temper tantrums if they tell us we aren't going outside!

The guards even treat us like children most of the time! Giving us rules...and turning off the TV and phones if we don't obey them.

Ms. Louis likes to make us sit in the hallway in timeout when we are loud or talk back! She continually has to remind us to be quiet and "GET YA'LLS MINDS RIGHT!!" (We love you Ms. Louis!)

The best part about this place is that we are all babes in Christ! Even though I grew up in the church - I backslid for the past few years. And just like a lot of the women in here - we are all learning or re-learning what it means to be a Christian.

Ever time I open my Bible - I learn something new. Or get a new revelation of a Scripture that I have read before.

I am so thankful that God is such a forgiving God and through His grace, we are able to start anew...with a clean slate - a pure heart - and a child-like mind - excited and willing to grow and mature in a Christlike way - that we have never known before.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know, that when He appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as He is pure." 1 John 3:1-3

PRAYER: Thank you Lord, for bringing us back to our childhood. So that we can be your children once again. Thank you, Father for your grace and forgiveness, and your laws and your justice.

"Correct me Lord, but only with justice, not in your anger. Lest you renounce me to nothing." Jeremiah 10:23

Randi Spearman
November 25, 2008

Oh, I am so homesick!

I am tired of being in jail.

Today is my best friend's birthday - Happy Birthday Mo...I wish I was there to celebrate with you!

I found out that my really good friend Krissy is having a baby! Oh, how I wish I could be there to help her with that too! And Shauna has a birthday coming (I SURE DO, PEOPLE!). My dad's birthday just passed. My cousin got married. My 7 year old niece is wearing my shoes to church! :)

And I am missing it all! Life doesn't stop for anyone else just because it stopped for me!

But this "break" from life has been a blessing - that's for sure. And although it could be a lengthy break...I know this is what I need.

I got a letter from my best friend from Jr. High. He reminded me about when we led a Bible study at school in the mornings. And about when we went to "See you at the Pole." He told me that instead of seeing this time as punishment, I should see myself as a missionary.

Thank you, God, for this statement!

When I look at it this way - I don't get afraid of how much time I am looking at. I don't worry about a court date. And I am okay with missing birthdays and stuff because I know that bringing people to Jesus is causing a way huge celebration!

Love,

Randi
November 4, 2008

Preface: A few weeks ago, I asked Randi to evaluate her life right now. Examine some of the "apparent" bad stuff - and dive in a little deeper to see what "good" is associated with those "bad" things. Here is what she had to say:

1. I am in jail, at the age of 26.

GOOD: If I weren't in jail, I would still be out on the streets doing and selling drugs. I would be lonely and depressed because of the drugs. That is way worse than how I feel now. I would not have God back in my life. I would still be running around with no purpose. No direction. No hope. No future.

2. I am facing anywhere from 5 to 20 years in prison.

GOOD: No matter how much time that I get - I know that is how long God has put aside for me to get my mind right. To prepare me. To teach me and to grow me. I can serve God just as well in prison as I can in the real world.

3. I am lonely, scared, bored and claustrophobic.

GOOD: Although I am lonely - I can open my Bible anytime and listen to God talk to me. I can pray anytime and talk to Him. Although I am scared, God has told me "Do not worry about tomorrow. For tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matt 6:34) He also says, "Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. I tell you the devil will put some of you in prison to test you...be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you the crown of life." (Rev 2:10) So -really, I am not that scared. he usually talks me out of that one. Although I am bored - there is stuff to do. I am reading a lot. I am catching up on my sleep. I can write * arts and crafts * and play cards. **I can't find any good out of being claustrophobic. :( This room is so small and the air circulation is ... well....there is none... umm...but on Tuesday's and Saturdays, we get to go outside. So Tuesdays and Saturdays are better!

4. I have no "Alone-Time."

GOOD: Although I am not ever physically alone - EVER - I an put my headphones on and block out most of the noise. And K-LOVE usually puts me in my own little world.

5. The food sucks!

GOOD: But - on Wednesdays, we get hot dogs for lunch! And honey buns on commissary...and I have gained 20 POUNDS! Which was much needed considering, I came in here at 105lbs.

6. All I can do is wait.

GOOD: God has given me the gift of patience. Which is something that I NEVER had before. So - while I am waiting , I keep in mind that I am waiting on God. And that makes it easy to do.

"The Lord is slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you - not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9)

7. I have lost a lot of my best friends.

GOOD: The friends that I lost were not the ones that were good influences on my spiritual walk. The new friends I have made here ONLY want to help me grow spiritually.

8. I am away from my family.

GOOD: I was away from my family before. But now I talk to them every day! And I know now how much I miss them in my life before! And I can't wait to get out and be with ya'll!

9. I have lost a lot of my stuff.

GOOD: I wont be needing any of my stuff in here anyway! Shauna got a lot of new things and I know I will have better "stuff" in Heaven.

Wow - there are a lot of positive things to go along with my tough life! :) And there are probably a lot more. It feels really good to do this. I mean it really just made my day so much better. I wish I would have done this this morning.

Love,

Randi
10/15/2008

I encourage you all to do this today! It is so easy for us to get wrapped up in how life could be so much better and easier. I challenge you to find joy in today! Find joy in right now! Right where God has put you.

I have finally decided to get comfortable with jail - because I feel like that is what I am supposed to do right now. I am getting used to the routine and I am realizing that this is it. Same thing every single day.

I could be bitter about jail - or I can use this time to better myself and prepare for what is to come.

I could worry about how much time I am looking at or about why my court date got pushed back 2 months - but I choose to worship instead because after all -
"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters." Psalm 18:16

So praise God for saving me & bringing me here - and for giving me this time to rest and focus and grow and learn.

I also try to enjoy my time instead of just enduring it. I most definitely choose to be joyful. I try to make people laugh - but most of the time, I am just laughing at myself (which usually gets at least a smile out of most.)

I sometimes break into a spontaneous cheer and dance around the dorm. And I even wake up singing songs of praise whenever I can. (Sometimes, some of the guards try to steal my joy by making us sit quietly at the tables for roll call.)

But the joy of the Lord is still my strength.

So, I just say a little prayer for them. And I hope that one day they can find this joy in their lives that I have in mine.

I found a verse yesterday that I absolutely love! "In all our troubles, my joy knows no bounds." 2 Corinthians 7:4

This is so true for me! In all honesty - because I have joy - and it just keeps coming and coming - sometimes I forget that I am even in trouble. And I know it would do me no good to be angry or negative about my circumstances because it is necessary to go through these hardships in order to grow and mature and learn from my mistakes. I cannot correct the past or change the choices that I made.

But I can plan on taking a different course from here on out! And I don't even have to choose which course it is. I just need to be still. Listen. And go - wherever the Lord tells me to go.

Isn't that great that I don't even have to figure out what my next step in life is going to be. I think it is so great! I am too excited about putting my complete faith and my whole life in the hands of God and letting Him do whatever He wants with me!

Wow! Oh, the places we will go! And until then - I am praying up and pressing in. And practicing a better way of living and thinking. Because - after all - they cant keep in me in jail forever!

Randi
10/15/2008

Randi had a Hearing scheduled for this week - but the date has been changed to December 10th.

We believe that God has many more women headed in Randi's direction at WBRCC - and He needs her there right now. This also allows her new lawyer to be fully prepared for her hearing.

That being said, it is still disheartening at times to realize again and again that we have no control over any of this.

Randi is in good spirits though! I talked with her last night and she was doing well. She fell off of her bunkbed {again} 2 days ago...they really need to put her on the bottom bunk - this is just out of control.

We also talked on Sunday night and laughed a lot. If you know me or know Randi - you probably realize that we laugh A LOT...especially when we are together...and even if no one else is laughing....

Please keep Randi in your prayers this week & I hope to have a letter from her this afternoon or later this week!

Letter from Randi:

So here's the deal - Every day we have a head count at 4:45am and 4:45pm. We have to sit at the tables until 5:00 when the shift changes. For the past week I have been praying the entire time I sit there. And I thought it would be cool and powerful if more prayers were beings said at the same time.

So, if anyone wants to pray with me - know that I am praying every day at 4:45 in the morning and the afternoon.

• I pray for all of the ladies in here. That God gives us peace and patience while we are here so that we can get along and be less stressed.
• I pray for all of our families - that He protects them and keeps them in good health while we are away.
• I thank God for this jail...for bringing me to this jail...and for saving my life by removing me from my old ways of living.
• I thank Him for being here with me and for living in and through me.
• I thank Him for His Word so that we have something great to live by and look forward to.
• I lift up all of our addictions to Him so that He might remove our desires for them - and instead turn our desires toward Him.
• I also lift up my case, my lawyer, my judge and my prosecutor. I ask Him to give them compassion towards me and to touch their hearts so that they might see me the way God sees me - not the way man sees me.
• I ask that He lets me go home for a short time to be with my family and I also ask that they do not add any additional charges to what I am already facing.

So, please lift up this special prayer with me whenever you can!

"Yes, and I will continue to rejoice for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I will eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether it by life or by death."
Philippians 1:20

Love,
Randi

I think that the worst part of being locked up is the fact that I was so ready to get right with my life - but I kept making excuses and putting it off for just a little while longer.

At the time I got arrested - I already had plans to leave that lifestyle and get out of Phoenix. I missed my family and I knew I didn't have any kind of future where I was at. So I made the decision to move back to Dallas. I had not officially told Shauna yet - but I packed my whole house up - and even got a storage unit to start moving boxes into so they were out of my way! I had been taking trips to New Orleans every weekend.

The week before I got arrested, I got to join my family in Destin, FL for a week. I hadn't been with my WHOLE family in years. When I left them in Destin - I knew I had to move back to Dallas ASAP. I had already given my 2 weeks notice at work. I planned on working the week after vacation - then leaving for Dallas the following weekend.

Oh, but the devil wasn't going to let me off that easy!

On my way back from Destin - I stopped in Baton Rouge to stay with a friend for a few days. I rented a car - which I left with him because his car was in the shop.

So.....sure enough - he calls to tell me that he wrecked the rental car. So instead of driving all of my stuff to Dallas that weekend - I flew back to New Orleans to take care of the rental car and insurance company.

I didn't even get the opportunity to take care of the rental car because the same night that I flew in - the guy I had come to see had already made other arrangements for me with the police.

So, I came to jail instead. And only now do I realize that God was the one who made these other arrangements for me.

The night before I flew to New Orleans - my best friend's daughter asked me to take her and her grandma to church that Sunday. I think that God was trying to give me one last chance before He had had enough. And, I refused. So, He interceded. I don't think that God likes "No" for an answer. He will have His way - especially when I was soooo close to doing it His way.

And I am so glad He stepped in when He did. Although, I am physically in prison - I have never felt so "FREE" from bondage in my life!

Except for maybe back in my days at church camp. And that's probably why I do sometimes (ok - most of the time) think that I AM at church camp!

Yes, I guess it is being in this one room with all these girls - 24/7. We don't really have a choice to have a closeness to one-another.

So we make the best of it - we pray together - study together - teach each other - learn from one another. We argue with each other - cry together - laugh at each other - laugh at ourselves. We encourage one another, witness hard to everyone. This is what we do.

This is how we get through the day...

the weeks....

and the months....

that we are here together.

Love,
Randi

Prayers are being answered in my life!

Before I got arrested, I asked God to take certain people out of my life. I knew it was impossible for me to just walk away from my life - so I begged for God to fix it. And although becoming a criminal was not what I had in mind - coming to jail definitely removed me from a life of sin and all the unhealthy relationships I was involved in.

I have finally been able to forgive everyone that has stolen from me and taken advantage of me while I have been here as well. Being unforgiving was only building up anger and bitterness in my heart! And in a place like this - there is no room to be angry!

So, I have decided to let it all go. Up until now, I have been sweating over getting my computer back, and my stuff that never made it from Phoenix -- but, I prayed about it....again...and again...and God finally revealed to me that I was to just let it go! Let go! And Let God!!

I had letters written and everything...demanding my stuff be returned to my family! But I ripped them up and threw them away.

And do you know that I haven't thought about the things that I "used" to have since.

(Although I was browsing through the Sunday paper planning what I am going to have one day when I get out.)

But it will be different because it will be something I have to work for...and save for...Not something that was bought with drug money! And even if I don't get it in this life - because I know that money will not be falling out of my pockets like it was before - even still - I am ok with it because in Heaven, I will have one of everything - but it will be better than what I had before - better than what I could imagine - it will be a gift that is given to me and will never be taken back! Mine for eternity...there are no Indian givers in heave - that's for sure!

:)

So, I am finally okay with what was lost. And from now on - there is no looking back.

Randi
9/24/2008

Wow, today has been a powerful day!

Things are happening behind these bars and outside of these bars for that matter.

All of you readers will be happy to know that Carolyn has gone home. She was released on Friday. Please keep her in the forefront of your prayers! I know she is going to be struggling out there and we sure don't want to see her back here again! (No offense, Carolyn, but we don't!) Next time we meet, it better be in the free world!

I know she is reading this because she was so excited about getting on the Internet to see what the blog looks like in real life!

Carolyn, stay strong! And stay sober! There is no other way. Remember everything good that you always talked about that you want back in your life so bad! And remember that you cant have it if you let your addiction take over!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight!" Proverbs 3:5

That is the only way! And don't give up! God will never throw anything at you that you cant handle! Don't forget that!

We love you, Carolyn, and you are in my prayers constantly!

Love,
Randi & the A dorm

Good morning Friends!

I just wanted to say THANKS again for all of your love and support for Randi! Please keep her in your prayers this week. Also, please keep us - her family - in your prayers. The initial feelings of all of this were traumatic and heart-breaking. Then...we kind of came to grips with it all and it was a little easier for a few weeks. I know for me, it has gotten pretty tough again. I am sure that this is normal. It can just be overwhelming some days to be so powerless in her situation.

And we miss her.

So...thanks for praying for us and keeping us in your thoughts. It really does mean a lot to us all that there are people we have never even met reading this and praying for our family. It's amazing. God is good.

***

I wanted to give you another piece of information that you may or may not use. Randi has a phone account that we have to put money on for her to be able to get in contact with us. I havent heard her voice in about 4 weeks so I was about to put a little money on it (we are selling some of her things to do so) and I thought - maybe my blogging buddies would be willing to put money on this account occasionally.

If you can - great - if not...no big deal.

There is a minimum of $25 that you can put on the account. And there is a $4.50 processing fee.

The phone number to do so is: 877-273-5012

Please email me for the Pin # if you are going to put money on her account.



***

Thanks again for being a wonderful family of support for us!

Love you all!

It's midnight at I cant sleep. For some stupid reason - I slept all day - only getting up to eat - and for an ice coffee at 10pm! So - needless to say - I am amped up!

Yesterday, I got my "discovery". I think that is part of the reason I slept all day today. Although I cannot go into any details about the discovery - what it revealed really hurt! The life style I was living was so dirty! And all the people I associated with were just so dirty!

I never understood why people are so selfish that they would put someone else in jail because they got into trouble. Some would refer to these people as a "rat." I never understood the concept of blaming your sins on someone else...on someone you have always called friend...or someone you were sleeping with...on someone you were living with...or in some cases in here...on someone you were married to!

Why do people have to be so selfish and hypocritical that they will do drugs and sell drugs - but when they get caught and it comes time to pay the consequences - all of the sudden - it becomes someone else who made them do it!

They don't want to be in trouble - so they "rat" on someone else...that someone else being me.

Sinning in here knowing that I was betrayed by someone I trusted and cared about just really hurts! It is hard not to be angry - but I am not. I have accepted the fact that I was still sinning - and now I am being punished for it. I can accept that. And I can take whatever comes my way.

But it just hurts! It hurts that my freedom is at the will of what someone else says about me.

That is scary!

The justice system is just as dirty as the lifestyle that I was living. My sentencing is all going to depend on how much information I can provide the government with on other people involved.

But that is not how my mind works. That is not how I live.

I was brought up where when I was bad - I was punished.

I didn't get punished for what my sisters did or what my friends did. I got punished because I was a bad kid!

And as an adult, I still feel the same way - I know what I was doing was not right. And I know there are consequences. But I don't think anyone else deserves to be punished because I got caught.

I am a little worried about what kind of time that I might be looking at because not everyone has morals like I do. Most people will jump on a "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" card any day!

But I don't live that way.

Randi
9/5/08

I feel like telling you a little bit about my sister, Randi, today. I have been worrying about her non-stop over the past few days because of Gustav. I thought it would make me feel better to tell you some of the wonderful things about her!

So - here goes:

1. JOBS: Randi's first job was at Putt-Putt golf when she was like 14. They made her a manager also. What 14 year old is a manager at Putt-Putt?! :) She waited tables for years and years - at places like Cotton Patch Cafe, Bennigan's and Chili's. In 2002, she went to Massage Therapy School and is a registered Massage Therapist...maybe not registered right now - but she was. She has worked for an IT company for the past year or so as an Administrative Assistant.

2. EDUCATION: Randi graduated high school in 2000. She didn't want to live in a dorm in college so she was kind of limited on her college choices. She ended up moving out to Abilene where I was going to college - and she attended a community college there. She also had college credits before she ever went off to college. She is actually pretty smart (for making some dumb choices). :) Love you, Randi. She always wanted to study Accounting, I think. Then - like I said before - she did MT school.

3. FOOD: Randi is really picky. She loves ElChico's queso. Salads from Chili's with only lettuce, cheese and ranch. She LOVES Chicken Express...any time she is in Dallas - she would hunt down the closest one and get herself some chicken. I am going to cry. :) OK....I can do this!

4. BOYS: Randi has clearly had terrible judgment in boyfriends over the past 10 years. If anyone has a son, brother or whatever - we will need to work on that in the future. I think we may do background and reference checks from now on.

5. SOCIALLY: Randi is fun! In high school, Randi was a cheerleader. Growing up - she played Soccer & is really musically inclined: she played piano & percussion(for a little while). I want to say she was in the band in Jr. high??!?!? My mom will have to help me out here. We were really involved in our youth group at church. And we spent tons of time as a family growing up. We would go camping a few times a year or to the river together.

6. HUMOR: One of the things that I love the most about Randi is that we have the same sense of humor. So if you think I am weird - you should see and hear us together. We have already had a few conversations on the phone (that are all recorded) - where we had to give a disclaimer that we were just kidding and not really going to bust her out of jail! I mean - I watch a lot of Prison Break but we just aren't really that gutsy! :)

7. BEAUTY: Randi is stunningly beautiful! She has a beautiful face with piercing greenish-yellow-brown eyes (not kidding- they are so light green that they are almost yellow sometimes)...her and I don't really look too much alike - which is weird...my parents say that we are sisters...but sometimes I look at her and look in the mirror and wonder if they are just making that up. JK. I really do just think she is so pretty. Whether she is in her fancy $200 jeans or her prison "scrubs" - that is what I prefer to call them!

8. FAMILY: Randi comes from a great family - especially her older sister, Shauna! :) JK! Anyhow - Our parents have been married for 29 years. Our mom has worked in Education for ever - from teaching Kindergarten and 1st grade - to being a principal - she is currently in administration. You will hear more from my mom in the future - she is brand new to this whole blog thing! She is learning! Anyhow - our dad is wonderful too - he works for a national "snack" company - as the boss! :) Yes - that is how I picture you dad...as the boss. We also have a younger sister, Ashley. She needs to get on here too. She is 21 & has a daughter who is 2. The more that I think about it - we were very close knit as a family unit. We spent a ton of time together & there was a lot of love. And still is. Obviously!

I am sure you are tired of reading this post as it is getting kind of long and wordy...but I want to say this in conclusion:

I was put on the stand a few months ago in Baton Rouge & the prosecutor tried to convince me of how dangerous it would be to take responsibility for my sister and have her living in my house - if released on bond. I just wanted to yell at him and tell him - YOU DON'T KNOW MY SISTER!!!! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HER! I KNOW HER! Because I do. We know how soft Randi's heart is. And what is instilled deep deep within her. Now - let me say - we are all ok with the fact that she stayed in a little longer - we know that God has to have had a plan with all of it. But we are ready for her to come home for a while before she goes to prison. Please be praying for this. I think that they are going to try to appeal her bond and see what comes of it!

Anyhow - there you go!

If any other families of the women on here are reading and would like to send me one of these for them - that would be great - we would love to hear about your moms, sisters, daughters!

It has been a month today since the night I got arrested.

Tonight is only the 2nd time that I have been sad about the fact that I have no control over what happens in the free world.

I talked to Shauna today and all my stuff from Phoenix arrived at her house today (including my puppy, Skyler) and we only got to talk for a few minutes because I ran out of minutes on my calling card. But from what she was telling me, I don't think a lot of my stuff made it from Phoenix. And it really makes me sad when I picture people packing my stuff up for me and they have a "Randi Box" and a "Keep for Myself Box." Its like they think I'm dead. Like I'm not ever going to get out or something. I know its just stuff - and it was probably bought with "dirty money" - but it was still my stuff.

And it breaks my heart to think about how much I've lost by coming to jail. I guess that just comes with the game that I was playing.

"Ill gotten treasures are of no value." Proverbs 10:2

I know that one day, my treasures in heaven will be far more than anything I acquire here.

"Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourself that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, your heart will be also."

That's what I know I have to look forward to. Since I have been doing drugs, I have lost so much. And if you ask me if it was worth it - what do I have to show for any of it?

Oh...let me see....A criminal record!

Which is not exactly what I had in mind.

What matters now is that my puppy is safe with my sister - I hope...hopefully the kids will fall in love with Skyler and Shauna will not leave the gate open again because she would just break their hearts if she took another pet from them! :) JK. I forgive you for letting Ginger run away. But it might be a little different with Skyler - under the circumstances.

The bright side of this is that Shauna has a ton of new shoes. Kip has a new X-box and some new tools. And the kids have a new pet! And I know they will love and spoil him like I did. And I have prayed and prayed and prayed that he will be good and not bite anyone. So - I think he will be!

Oh - I feel so much better!

Although I am sitting in my bed crying right now because I miss my dog so much.

I feel so much better because I know that whats done is done. There's no changing the past. And there's no looking back.

There is hope for the future. Whatever it may hold. Thank you all for your prayers and support! They are much needed and trust me - prayers are being answered behind these bars! Everyday. And that is awesome!

Randi
8/19/2008

As I carefully pulled off tendons, ligaments, spinal bones and fatty tissue from my turkey neck tonight at dinner, I tried to imagine it was simply brisket and I smothered it in ketchup in order to make it edible. Saturday meals consist of fruit loops for breakfast with 2 bisquits and apple jelly. Lunch today went straight to the trashcan - Turkey Liver, mashed potatoes soaked in turkey grease - some might try to call it gravy, corn bread, squash and watered down kool-aid. And then - to top off the day - Turkey Necks, white rice, greasy gravy, lima beans and more corn bread.

Oh my gosh - I used to be a picky eater. Anyone who has ever been out to eat with me knows that when the waitress gets to my order she has to take out the pen and paper and write it down.

"None of this. Extra that. Can I get my soup extra runny? And my chicken extra crispy? No Dr.Pepper? I'll take Sprite. You only have Sierra MIst? No, change that to Coke. Only Pepsi? No, just give me water."

Pretty typical of what I go through at a restaurant.

But I'll tell you wat. That has all changed. Instead of bisquit and gravy, we just get bisquits. They spoil us with jelly on the weekends. Instead of cinammon apple oatmeal, we get grits. Sometimes they even put butter in them. Or at least I think its butter!

For lunch during the week, we have sandwiches everyday. Bologna or ham, a scoop of peanut butter and jelly mix, a scoop of mayo/mustard mix and lettuce. At least they give us a choice, huh?

On Wednesdays, we get spoiled with hotdogs and stale french fries and chili. I learned how to make cheese sauce out of crushed cheese puffs and hot water. So - we have chili cheese dogs and chili cheese fries. Oh - it is heavenly! But then they go and turn the chili into spaghetti sauce and feed us chili spaghetti and corn bread on Wednesday night for dinner.

The rest of the week is red beans and rice or turnkey legs or wings.

Oh - but last Sunday night - we got pizza! And jail pizza is GOOD! It was very filling so everyone had an extra peice that we put in a ziplock bag and saved for later! (I had 3 pieces!) And sure enough - that same night they decided to have our first "shakedown" where they raided the whole dorm and they threw all the pizza away. It was like Katrina all over again! They will not let us enjoy the food here! The one time that we did - they took it away from us!

Its a good thing they cant take our commissary from us! We get pretty creative with it too.

Crushed cheese puffs, water & doritos make chips and queso!

Oreos, duplex cookies and snickers make a chocolate brownie birthday cake!

Chili-Lime Ramen noodles, peanuts, cheese and nacho jalepeno chips make mexican casserole!

Ice, chocolate milk and water make chocolate milk shakes!

Moral of the story is: You dont want to come to jail if you are a picky eater!

Randi
8/16/2008

About 5 years ago, I was invited to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with my HR Manager at my job. We spoke periodically about my "boyfriend's" drug addiction. She told me how AA was not just for addicts, but also for their families as well. Her son had a bad drinking problem and she said going to the meetings helped her understand and cope with his problem.

I dont remember benefiting much from the meeting then. But I am pretty sure it was because I was not ready to quit doing drugs myself. I never returned to AA.

It was never presented to me again until I started participating in the Bible study here. We read a story from "AA in Prison: Inmate to Inmate". And I though maybe I should go again. Maybe being that I was sober, and I do seek sobriety - I could benefit from AA. And moreso, it was something to do. An hour in a classroom rather than being stuck in our smelly dorm.

So I went. I listened. And I got the "12 Steps Book." I know that I dont want to do drugs anymore! Never in my life have I been so sure of something as I am now! What I felt 5 years ago was the complete opposite of what I feel now!

My addiction took over my life! Maybe not in the way it does most people because I thought that I lived a pretty normal life.

I held a full-time job. Went to work everyday. I might have been late - everyday - but I went everyday. I paid my bills. Fixed my credit. Had my own place, a nice truck that was my own - and I slept every night. I thought I was pretty normal.

My addiction was part of my daily routine. I had "control" over the drugs...I thought.

But that was so far from reality! Not until now do I realize that everything and everyone that I neede din my life - I avoided.

I feel closer to my family now than I have in 5 years. I have a stronger-deeper relationship with God now that I have ever had. I have cried out more prayers to God in the last 4 weeks than I have prayed in my entire life.

And everyday in here I see so many prayers answered. Something that before - I didnt have the patience to wait for. It is so amazing - the Power of Prayer! And I never even knew!

So - through prayer and God's Word, I have already decided 110% that I can be sober. And I cant wait!

Randi
8/14/08