It's midnight at I cant sleep. For some stupid reason - I slept all day - only getting up to eat - and for an ice coffee at 10pm! So - needless to say - I am amped up!

Yesterday, I got my "discovery". I think that is part of the reason I slept all day today. Although I cannot go into any details about the discovery - what it revealed really hurt! The life style I was living was so dirty! And all the people I associated with were just so dirty!

I never understood why people are so selfish that they would put someone else in jail because they got into trouble. Some would refer to these people as a "rat." I never understood the concept of blaming your sins on someone else...on someone you have always called friend...or someone you were sleeping with...on someone you were living with...or in some cases in here...on someone you were married to!

Why do people have to be so selfish and hypocritical that they will do drugs and sell drugs - but when they get caught and it comes time to pay the consequences - all of the sudden - it becomes someone else who made them do it!

They don't want to be in trouble - so they "rat" on someone else...that someone else being me.

Sinning in here knowing that I was betrayed by someone I trusted and cared about just really hurts! It is hard not to be angry - but I am not. I have accepted the fact that I was still sinning - and now I am being punished for it. I can accept that. And I can take whatever comes my way.

But it just hurts! It hurts that my freedom is at the will of what someone else says about me.

That is scary!

The justice system is just as dirty as the lifestyle that I was living. My sentencing is all going to depend on how much information I can provide the government with on other people involved.

But that is not how my mind works. That is not how I live.

I was brought up where when I was bad - I was punished.

I didn't get punished for what my sisters did or what my friends did. I got punished because I was a bad kid!

And as an adult, I still feel the same way - I know what I was doing was not right. And I know there are consequences. But I don't think anyone else deserves to be punished because I got caught.

I am a little worried about what kind of time that I might be looking at because not everyone has morals like I do. Most people will jump on a "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" card any day!

But I don't live that way.

Randi
9/5/08

4 comments:

Shauna said...

I just want to say that Randi was not a BAD kid. Maybe a little on the annoying side...but not BAD. :) Just kidding!

But I am with you, sister! As much as I would love for you to rat out every drug dealer in town so you could come home and be happy and healthy and well-fed...etc, etc...as soon as possible......

Part of me would rather you not. For a number of reasons.

1. I feel like justice will be served for those who continue to break the law. Whether it is a earthly justice or an eternal one. And though, I do believe that our friends and aquaintances can strongly influence our decision making - we are still the ones who ultimately MAKE that decision.

2. You seem a lot safer in prison that out in harms way with a bunch of really bad people after you for ratting them out. I know this may sound selfish: but I would rather be able to communicate with you through letters and by phone for a few years than have to wait a lifetime till we are chillin' in heaven to talk with you. I'm just sayin!


I want you home with us so badly - but you stick to what you believe. Hold tight to the truth. And you will have God's protection and mercy and love surrounding you all the way.

Love you.

Brandi said...

all the love and prayers!

nancygrayce said...

Randi, I just want you to know that I'm praying for you. My son is a drug addict and he's 38. If you stop now, your life will be so good! I pray that what ever is God's will will happen! Maybe probation??

I agree with your sister about you being safer in prison. The times my son has been in jail, I have been the most relaxed because I knew where he was and that he was safe. God hold you in His arms!

Camille said...

Randi, (& the other women who post on this site),
Thank you so much for helping me understand and empathize with the women in the bonds of our judicial system. You are giving me, and others, a real story to counter the stereotypes & the negativity that you hear in the media about inmates.
You are courageous for sharing your battles, admitting your flaws, and wanting to work your way through your current trials. Thank you for sharing your "reality." I think of you all often and will be praying for you.